Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. It can turn an existence into a real life, and disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. -Melody Beattie

Hmmm

Grateful for a really productive day Grateful that we made it to St. Louis and back safely. So there is a saying: are you the chicken or the pig? the egg or the bacon? one is involved. one is committed. i think about this a lot i want to be the pig more often. why does it feel exhausting to be so committed to certain things. i watch my husband. he is a pig. he really commits when he makes a decision to do something. not always. we all have some chicken in us. but i admire the way he immerses himself in a problem, task, hobby, purchase (large or small-new wallet or new house) i struggle with so many decisions of all sizes. afraid of regret before i even choose. maybe im at a time in my life where a lot of stuff feels very overwhelming.??? what if i choose wrong? i feel like im rambling. just wanted to put those thought down.

Fuck. Feel like shit. SO unhappy. I keep trying and hit a goddamn wall every fucking time. What the hell is going on? Lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely. But I'm not alone. That is the big fucking joke, right? I have never wanted to kill an iPad, but murdering one right now would make me feel so good. I might as well be wearing a flour sack and shave my fucking head. No one would notice. Why yes, this is a new sweater with a sexy bra peaking out. Thanks for noticing. NOT I reach out to touch, kiss, snuggle, sit together, start a conversation. I DO. I DO IT OFTEN. But the fucking iPad is more interesting. Or am I not interesting enough? I'm guessing not. Yay for me. Trying trying TRYING to reconnect. Should be simple. WHAT THE FUCK am I doing wrong? All the time and space in the world and I'm competing with what??? I feel like I am trying hard, but not really getting any feedback, so I don't even know what, if anything, I could do differently. JUST FUCKING LOOK AT ME! Look up from your iPad and SEE me. Reach for me. Touch my face, Touch me anywhere. Kiss me. Ask me to sit with you. Show me in any any any way that you SEE ME! I'm so close to giving up. The anxiety is LITERALLY giving me headaches every day. And I don't like headaches. Really really hate to beg, but here I am begging like a little kid trying to get moms attention. Pathetic. Really pathetic, Jen. So I guess I try to sleep, get up, put on my big girl pants (or my boring old granny-panties. I'm done with the sexy shit) and try again tomorrow. I was beginning to think that this relationship was worth fighting for. But not if I'm the only one fighting.

This week I am in my happy place.

Hoping to take a small break from real life.
My biggest worry will be what time do we go to the beach.

I've got my cottage, my people, the lake, and sunsets that make you cry.

Dairy Treat is gone.  The sadness is real.  We have lost an institution that was a long standing tradition and it will be missed.

I feel so incredibly grateful to be here.  It came close to NOT happening this year, and I would have been heartbroken.

Grateful for cool evenings,  warm days,  the laughter of silly conversations,  cheese balls, pronto pups, dance parties, and so much more.

To some it's just water.
To me, it's where I regain my sanity  

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave                                                                                                                                    And if I were fearless

Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could open, you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out; this is not my choice 

Source: LyricFind

Hard day.
Long day.
Tired day.
For Em, too.  She struggled today.  Makes me so sad.  We take turns helping each other cope.

Anniversaries, birthdays, Mothers day.....
All good things.  All bad things.

So so so grateful for Beth and Rick.  Great social distancing party.  Great for the soul.  Wish I could
hug them.  Wish I could hug anyone.  Everyone.

Missing Jessica a lot.  Don't know when I'll get to see her.

Missing my mom.
Missing Poopsie.
Missing so many.

Bucket list item:  Take a long trip to go see my people.  Hug my people.  From San Antonio to California, to Georgia, to St. Louis, to Dallas, to Vail...... just to hug and laugh and share a moment.
Putting that on the top of my list!

Grateful for so much, but can't think of a single thing that stands out today.  Not at my finest right now.  Ummm...Leftover spaghetti. Clean sheets.

One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all all of your broken pieces will stick together.      

Another day in isolation.
Another day to find something meaningful.
Another day to eat my feelings.
Another day to watch too much TV.
Another day to clean yet another closet, drawer, cabinet....
Another day to fight the loneliness.
Another day to start with great intentions.
Another day to hope for a better day tomorrow.
Another day to make a dinner that doesn't bore us to death.

Another day to be more fit.
Another day to eat well.
Another day to be creative.
Another day to laugh.
Another day to spend time with Em.
Another day to be productive.
Another day to connect with friends and family.
Another day to take care of myself.
Another day with Riley sleeping next to me.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.