Hmmm

Grateful for a really productive day Grateful that we made it to St. Louis and back safely. So there is a saying: are you the chicken or the pig? the egg or the bacon? one is involved. one is committed. i think about this a lot i want to be the pig more often. why does it feel exhausting to be so committed to certain things. i watch my husband. he is a pig. he really commits when he makes a decision to do something. not always. we all have some chicken in us. but i admire the way he immerses himself in a problem, task, hobby, purchase (large or small-new wallet or new house) i struggle with so many decisions of all sizes. afraid of regret before i even choose. maybe im at a time in my life where a lot of stuff feels very overwhelming.??? what if i choose wrong? i feel like im rambling. just wanted to put those thought down.

Fuck. Feel like shit. SO unhappy. I keep trying and hit a goddamn wall every fucking time. What the hell is going on? Lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely. But I'm not alone. That is the big fucking joke, right? I have never wanted to kill an iPad, but murdering one right now would make me feel so good. I might as well be wearing a flour sack and shave my fucking head. No one would notice. Why yes, this is a new sweater with a sexy bra peaking out. Thanks for noticing. NOT I reach out to touch, kiss, snuggle, sit together, start a conversation. I DO. I DO IT OFTEN. But the fucking iPad is more interesting. Or am I not interesting enough? I'm guessing not. Yay for me. Trying trying TRYING to reconnect. Should be simple. WHAT THE FUCK am I doing wrong? All the time and space in the world and I'm competing with what??? I feel like I am trying hard, but not really getting any feedback, so I don't even know what, if anything, I could do differently. JUST FUCKING LOOK AT ME! Look up from your iPad and SEE me. Reach for me. Touch my face, Touch me anywhere. Kiss me. Ask me to sit with you. Show me in any any any way that you SEE ME! I'm so close to giving up. The anxiety is LITERALLY giving me headaches every day. And I don't like headaches. Really really hate to beg, but here I am begging like a little kid trying to get moms attention. Pathetic. Really pathetic, Jen. So I guess I try to sleep, get up, put on my big girl pants (or my boring old granny-panties. I'm done with the sexy shit) and try again tomorrow. I was beginning to think that this relationship was worth fighting for. But not if I'm the only one fighting.

This week I am in my happy place.

Hoping to take a small break from real life.
My biggest worry will be what time do we go to the beach.

I've got my cottage, my people, the lake, and sunsets that make you cry.

Dairy Treat is gone.  The sadness is real.  We have lost an institution that was a long standing tradition and it will be missed.

I feel so incredibly grateful to be here.  It came close to NOT happening this year, and I would have been heartbroken.

Grateful for cool evenings,  warm days,  the laughter of silly conversations,  cheese balls, pronto pups, dance parties, and so much more.

To some it's just water.
To me, it's where I regain my sanity  

I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave                                                                                                                                    And if I were fearless

Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah

If my hands could open, you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground

I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out; this is not my choice 

Source: LyricFind

Hard day.
Long day.
Tired day.
For Em, too.  She struggled today.  Makes me so sad.  We take turns helping each other cope.

Anniversaries, birthdays, Mothers day.....
All good things.  All bad things.

So so so grateful for Beth and Rick.  Great social distancing party.  Great for the soul.  Wish I could
hug them.  Wish I could hug anyone.  Everyone.

Missing Jessica a lot.  Don't know when I'll get to see her.

Missing my mom.
Missing Poopsie.
Missing so many.

Bucket list item:  Take a long trip to go see my people.  Hug my people.  From San Antonio to California, to Georgia, to St. Louis, to Dallas, to Vail...... just to hug and laugh and share a moment.
Putting that on the top of my list!

Grateful for so much, but can't think of a single thing that stands out today.  Not at my finest right now.  Ummm...Leftover spaghetti. Clean sheets.

One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all all of your broken pieces will stick together.      

Another day in isolation.
Another day to find something meaningful.
Another day to eat my feelings.
Another day to watch too much TV.
Another day to clean yet another closet, drawer, cabinet....
Another day to fight the loneliness.
Another day to start with great intentions.
Another day to hope for a better day tomorrow.
Another day to make a dinner that doesn't bore us to death.

Another day to be more fit.
Another day to eat well.
Another day to be creative.
Another day to laugh.
Another day to spend time with Em.
Another day to be productive.
Another day to connect with friends and family.
Another day to take care of myself.
Another day with Riley sleeping next to me.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.

Having some rough days lately.

Really missing my people.  I just want to hug.  Anybody.

Worried about the future.  For SO many obvious reasons and some very personal ones.

Grateful for so much, though...

Have had such beautiful weather.  Trying to get out and enjoy it while it lasts.

All of my friends and family are safe and well.  Our main focus right now.

Some great conversations with my favorite people.

Laughing so hard it hurts.  Better than crying.

• “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely.”
  Charles M. Schulz

Week three of staying at home because of COVID-19.

Spent two weeks in St. Louis helping Mom.  

Good  to be with her, so sad we couldn't touch or hug.

Hard to leave.

Been back for one week.  Don't know how long this thing will last.

Grateful that I have three roommates.

Em - so far, so good.  We get along great, make a pretty good pair in the kitchen, share chores, talk, watch dumb tv, and I'm so thankful to have her during this crazy thing. 

   So many people are alone and it must be

so difficult.

Cooper and Riley - puppies are the best! 

Thankful for the ability to stay in touch with family and friends.

Thankful we are well.

Thankful for all of the people out there keeping the world going

while risking their health.

“The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.”

Thankful for my mad grilling skills

Thankful for several unexpected schedule changes. Jess - here we come!!

Thankful for Tim and Martha.  Their support and friendship is unwavering and I always feel better after talking to both of them.

Don't feel alone, because there is always someone out there who loves you more than you can imagine.

I feel like I spend a lot of time trying to plan for every possible scenario for 
the future.  Worrying what if....
I think I do it to make the stress go away, but in fact it makes me more 
anxious. 

I'm being told to take it one day at a time.  
I try.
Not easy.
I do too much worrying about tomorrow, next week, next month....
Yet sometimes just getting through the day IS a big deal.

I like to know what is going to happen.  
Don't like surprises.
Don't like guessing.

So new experiment. 
ONE.
DAY.

Thankful for today.
Hopeful for tomorrow.

“The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.” 
― Mignon McLaughlin

Life is chaotic, imperfect, messy, hard, and heartbreaking.

But maybe we embrace the mess, instead of always trying to clean it up.
Maybe we rejoice in the perfectly imperfect chaos.
Maybe we dance in between the difficult moments.
Maybe we breathe in the heartbreak and breathe out with joy at the 
small victories of that imperfect life.
Maybe we rejoice with hugs, laughter, song, and find every small moment
of life does offer something to be grateful for.  Even when we feel alone, lost,
friendless, unloved, unworthy.  There is ALWAYS a way to find the blessings.  Always a way to see the joy.  Always a way to make it better.  Aways a way to heal.  Always a way to understand. 

Or at least we try.  We have to try.  Every day. 

I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.

Grateful for Jim.
Spent his Saturday night listening to me talk until midnight.
Best Saturday night I've had in a while.
Thankful for big brothers.

• “It didn’t matter how big our house was; it mattered that there was love in it.” –Peter Buffett

Sarah-
Thanks for coffee and girl talk.  Always grateful for time with you!

Imo's-
Thank you for a hot pizza!

Netflix-
Thanks for the last season of The Ranch. A day in my flannel pants binging on Netflix and eating Imo's was a day I needed.

Grateful that Riley and I made it half way to St. Louis.

Grateful for hotels that accept pets.

Hopeful for a good nights sleep and safe travels tomorrow.

Not always sure what true gratitude actually is.

So I could be grateful I finished my laundry. Woo-hoo!

But it feels superficial and disingenuous.  

I WANT to have those moments every day where I feel absolute gratitude
and recognize the blessings in my life.

Sometimes, they just don't happen.
I have to grope for something, anything, anywhere....

Forcing myself to write it down does help with reflection and to look back at my day with fresh eyes.  Doesn't always work.  But it helps. 

So today, I am grateful that I took the time to think about my day and the good things that it brought.  There were several small things.  Nothing that i feel like putting on paper.  

Thankful that my mom is ok today.

Thankful for Kellie.  I always feel safe with her and better when I leave.

Thankful for friends who share an evening that begins with heartache and pain and ends with great wine, laughter, and so so much love.

It's not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters.

Does it count if I'm grateful for the day to be done?

It was a day full of anxiety, sadness, anger.  But I got to the end without losing my mind.  I would say that's a win.

So yeah, whatever, I say it counts.

Beth

Had a long, lonely day today.
Not terrible, just had a difficult time fighting the quiet in the house and the loud voices in my head.
Watched way too much tv.
Didn't laugh once. Well, maybe one small giggle at Bad Joke Sunday.
I have realized that I need to laugh more.  It really does make my day better when I can take at least a few moments to smile, laugh, be silly.

So...I am grateful for Bad Joke Sunday.  Looking forward to Bad Joke Monday.
Please keep them coming, Tim.

I am thankful for my friends who know the perfect thing to say to make me laugh.

“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.” 
― Robert Frost

Grateful for a long hot shower after cleaning the garage.

Thank you, Martha, for a perfectly timed card in the mail.  I miss you so so much.  

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.

Can't believe it has been 3 years.

But I really need  to do this right now.

Thank you, Beth, for being my rock.  I can never repay you for what you do for me.

Thank you, Poopsie, for.........you.  BFF's like you are a rare and beautiful thing.

Thank you, Emily and Jessica, for being strong, supportive, caring, funny, loving.  You two are my world. 

Thank you to everyone I spoke to on the phone today.  Your support and compassion means everything.